Disneyland Review: Haunted Mansion

Stars: 5 out of 5
Pros: A fun other worldly visit

Cons: Some guests might be frightened by my friends

The Bottom Line:

A charming visit

With new other worldly friends

Might frighten the young

And Now I, Your Ghost Host, Will Tell You About Your Visit to My Home

Welcome foolish mortals.  So you are visiting Disneyland and thinking about stopping by The Haunted Mansion?  I hope you do.  There may be 999 happy haunts around the property, but we are always happy to have even more company.  After all, we've been offering tours of our home for 40 years now.

You can come join us at the far side of New Orleans Square.  Frankly, our old mansion is fairly easy to spot, but if you hear the screams coming from Splash Mountain, you are getting close.  Just enter through the gate.

We love having people of all ages and sizes visit us.  We do request that little kids keep their parents company (since parents are so easily frightened, you know.)  Additionally, if you are in a wheelchair, we will need you to transfer.  One of our living maids or butlers will be happy to assist you with this.

As you wait for your visit, please feel free to tour our garden.  On busy days, you'll get plenty of time to stop and view the plants and the funny tombs along the path.  We don't like to keep you waiting, and it seems most people don't need to wait longer than 13 minutes to visit us, except on the longest days.

Once you have reached the front of the line, you will enter the portrait gallery.  It is at this point that I introduce myself to you.  While you are standing in the center of the room, you will see that the portraits around you stretch.  As I point out that the room has no windows or doors, the lights dim, and you view a man hanging from the ceiling.  At this point in the ride, people always scream.  I must admit to feeling a little badly here because I don't mean to frighten them.  That much.  But most seem to be smiling when they leave, so maybe they really are enjoying it.

From there, you will walk down a corridor.  On your left, you will see a fierce storm brewing.  It storms there 365 days a year, even in Southern California sunshine.  On the right, you will see more paintings that magically change.  And up ahead are busts that follow you with their eyes.

Now you are getting to the heart of the attraction.  You will load Doom Buggies.  These wonderful devices allow me to control your view.  They are constantly moving and twist and turn to give you the best tour of the house.  Once you and one or two of your closest living friends are seated, we will begin our six minute tour.

We start you out with an endless hallway and corridor of doors, passing through a conservatory.  Look carefully.  You never know where you'll see evidence of the presence of a ghost.

But to really get things started, we must visit Madame Leota.  This woman lives inside her crystal ball and calls forth my fellow spirits during a seance.

It is at this point I leave you to explore on your own for a while.  You pass by a ballroom where some of my fellow spirits are partying.  There are ghosts dancing and one blowing out candles on a cake.  Even the portraits on the wall are ghostly.

Following that, you visit our one vengeful spirit, a murderous bride.  Men, be careful.  She is just after your money.

From there, you leave our mansion and head out to the cemetery.  There, you'll find more happy ghosts partying and having a great time.  Some pop up from behind gravestones while others are sitting out having a tea party.  We have five singing busts who entertain you with a song called "Grim Grinning Ghosts."

From here, you are pretty much ready to leave.  There is just one catch I always "forget" to tell you about until right then.  Beware Hitchhiking Ghosts.  You find out which one has selected you to follow home until you decide to return on a more permanent basis.

Only the most easily frightened seem to be scared after visiting with us.  To those I say, come back in a few years, and you'll enjoy us again.

Most people are amazed at how real we look.  They try to guess just how the "effects" are done.  I have a simple explanation for them - we are real.  At least that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

Haunted Mansion Holiday

Every year, the humans at Disneyland close us down for a few weeks in September to make our home over into a holiday wonderland.  Personally, I hate it because I am replaced.  Oh, they've found someone to do a decent facsimile of my voice, but it isn't me.  At least the imposter just acts as a narrator and doesn't pretend to be me.

Most living people, however, seem to love this change.  It runs for 13 weeks from the first part of October through the very beginning January.  (In January, they close us down again to coax the normal ghosts back into place.)  Based on the movie Nightmare Before Christmas, the decorations combine Halloween and Christmas as imagined by host Jack Skellington.  As I said, it is extremely popular.  Wait times can get close to one hour, and the people at Disneyland employee Fast Pass to allow guests to come back for a shorter wait later in the day.

Everything about our home is festive.  The outside is covered in wreaths and jack-o-lanterns.  Inside, there are new picture in the portrait galleries.  While some ghosts stick around, like in the ballroom, the ghostly bride flees and allows for the list of naughty and nice names to take her place.  Even the Hitchhiking Ghosts leave to haunt the living full time.  Instead, you get a present from Oogie Boogie.  However, Madame Leota is still inside her crystal ball reciting the 13 days of Christmas.  Jack Skellington gets creative every year, making little changes.  One thing that always changes is the gingerbread house in the Ballroom.  They make something new and different every year to keep guests coming back.

  

Conclusion

Honestly, I don't feel the need to sell ourselves too much.  Everyone seems to think that the Haunted Mansion is a must see part of a Disneyland visit.  So really, all I need to say is "Hurry back."