Movie Review: Sharktopus

Stars: 1 out of 5

Pros: The title is fun to say

Cons: Everything after you say the title

The Bottom Line: 

Plot holes, bad effects

And bad acting.  Not even

Good as comedy

Sharktopus is That Train Wreck You Can't Stop Watching

One night, I was in my room minding my own business when I heard my roommates mocking something they were watching on TV.  Turned out they'd found a monster movie on Syfy.  I joined them for the end, and it was pretty bad.  But it was nothing compared to what came next.  Based on the title alone, we had to see what Sharktopus would be like.  The best part of the movie is the name.  And yet, I'm ashamed to say that when I had to leave, I actually recorded the rest of the movie to finish it the next day.  (There, I've confessed.  I feel better already.)

The plot?  Basically, a super smart scientist (Eric Roberts) has genetically engineered the S-11, a hybrid of a shark and an octopus with tentacles sharp enough to stab and kill a person.  It's supposed to be a super weapon for the Navy.  But while they are testing it out, a boat propeller slices off the collar that controls it, leaving it free to head south down the beach of Mexico during Spring Break, killing as many hot young bodies as it can find.  And if there aren't enough in the water, it will just walk up on the beach to get its next meal.  And it's always hungry.  Will the scientist's daughter (Sara Malakul Lane) find a way to stop it?

Oh where to begin.

So, isn't the point of a monster feature to scare us somewhat?  While we know what is coming, most of the time, we only see the creature jump out of the water and kill someone.  There's hardly any build up to the moment.  Oh, we know it's coming, but there's no suspense at all.  I will admit a few of the moments were fun (and I'm not going to spoil them for you), but most of them were just boring.

Then there's the plot.  Predictable doesn't even begin to cover it.  Even when the few characters we actually want to die finally bite it, their deaths are over just as quickly as anyone else's.  Can't we get some satisfaction here?

Furthermore, the only time the Sharktopus is willing to go after the main characters is for the climax.  Until then, for no reason, he kills everyone in his path except them.  Um...okay?

Now, I've heard some people say this was a comedy - a spoof of creature films.  Maybe if I'd seen more of these films, I'd get it.  Instead, I didn't find any jokes.  I just found the proceeding a predictable mess.

Characters?  Maybe some good characters will save this film.  And maybe some good characters would have.  There's only one character I actually liked for the entire run of the film.  Two others grew on me.  The rest?  I was rooting for the Sharktopus to get them sooner rather than later.  Sadly, most of the victims were only on screen long enough to show off some skin and die.

Since this was made for TV, there was no nudity, just plenty of ladies in skimpy bikinis and men in swim trunks.  Yes, there's blood, but nothing like you'd see in the movie theater.

Special effects were pretty bad as well.  The creature was obviously CGI, and very rarely did they try that hard to make us forget that.

And the acting?  With the exception of Eric Roberts, everyone pretty much hammed it up for the camera.  If anyone in the cast can get a job after their performance here, it will be a miracle.

I truly don't know why I was so driven to finish this thing.  Maybe I was hoping it would get better.  Trust me, it doesn't.  Don't waste your time or money on Sharktopus.